Seriously people who the hell came up with that phrase? I'll bet it was some heart broken chick trying to convince the world that she didn't need anyone and that she was fabulous by herself and could do whatever she wanted when she wanted after the love of her life ripped out her heart, broke it into bits, put it in a blender and hit frappe! Or is that just me?
Maybe I am just feeling worse because in a week not only would I have been getting married had things worked, but it would also have been our five year anniversary. Just like that, the blink of an eye and 5 years of a relationship and 8 years of a friendship is over, with no real reason, which is the killer by the way.
I'm starting to believe that all the "I don't knows" "I'm so lost" "I'll still be your friend" "I'll never leave you high and dry" "I hope this isn't another mistake" were all just lines cos he couldn't bring himself to tell me the truth, that he just didn't love me any more and was just putting up with me to save face. Maybe I'm 100% wrong and I'm sure if he sees this he will think I am being spiteful or paranoid, but I honestly don't think I am. Not any more, it's just what I am feeling right at this moment in time. Although maybe a sick part of him will read this, see that I am miserable and secretly like it, who the hell knows *shrugs*. Maybe it's my fault, maybe I shouldn't leave the lines so open actually make him miss me. Yeah cos that's going to happen.
On the plus side. I've set myself a date for going to Australia and I should fingers crossed, if all the money stuff works out, be buying my one way ticket at the end of January. The sooner I get on that plane the better. And I am already planning my leaving do for the end of March. Yeah so I am going to be working myself to the ground over the next 17weeks or so but it will be so worth it when I get on that plane, headed for a new life in the sun. I'll get over there with a brand new attitude and who knows maybe one day I will get over him. Or at least it will stop hurting as much. Regardless of what happens in the future, I know that he will always hold a place in my heart and that even right now I would still walk the earth for him. Yeah I ended up skint from helping him survive, stopping the courts chasing him but I would do it all over again and then some. It was never about money, and lavish meal or gifts. It was all about him and how I felt/feel for him. It's just a pity that I dislike London and British weather, well Britain in general, so much. I have itchy feet and unfortunately for me they are taking me to the other side of the world. London just wouldn't have done it for me. I know it's working for him and all I want is for him to be happy. I guess that's how you kow it's love, is when all you want is their happiness. When you can't even be mad at them and when your heart aches so much that you can't breath, but despite that personal dark cloud you still want them to have the perfect life, with or without you even if that means they never speak to you again.
*cries* I guess there isn't much more I can do other than pick myself up, dust myself off and hold my head high while I plan my life. I'm fine, I'm always fine. I'm fabulous and he's not. He can have London and British weather, I'll be in Australia.
I don't know who I am trying to convince, but I'm fine.
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