And yes

....I am as subtle as brick wrapped in lemon to the face. And right now I don't care.

Did I ever...

I am just wondering if I ever thanked him for leaving me up to my eyeballs in debt. I'm not really sure I did so readers take this as a belated thanks ever so much I am ever so grateful.

Not that I am making a dig, no not all. By the way just for the record 71.5% APR for a loan that I took out solely to help him is shocking and lucky me I am stuck with it. All the while he gets exactly what he wants, as ever. I am so glad his new life is working out so well. Big car, big house, trips to America oh and let's not forget, only an hour away from Scotland. Ain't he lucky? Oh but wait I am sure he will claim that he is so hard done by. Let's not forget though I had the guts to make the move, and not him, not Garth (who incidentally is ten times the man he ever was), not even God himself/herself/whatever can take that away from me. I am here and he is not, although he might as well be seeing as I am still left picking up the trail of debt he left me with. I am so thankful for that, really.

Broken promises leave a bitter taste in the mouth and it is a taste that no matter how hard I try I cannot get rid of. There is a part of me that thinks I really shouldn't publish this but then the more powerful, spiteful side of me says fuck it. It's nothing short of what he deserves. I admit at times I was impossible and paranoid but at least I didn't leave him drowning in debt. I also never wanted anything but good for him. Ah well, it's a pleasant feeling. I attempted also to be friends, that got thrown back in my face, but alas, clearly he is far too good for the people who stood by him and supported him while he was in Scotland. I also incidentally never left him wondering. I was straight up and honest with him and all he could give in return was lame excuses about not knowing who he was or what he wanted. Pity really.

But hey this little rant isn't about how terrible he was or how terrible I was. In fact I have mostly fond memories of our time together until someone mentions money and his name in the same sentence. Every fortnight I pay the loans that he promised to help with...I am still waiting...and every fortnight I can't help but dislike him more and more for lying and basically taking advantage of a generous nature.

I do mean it when I say thank you of course. Getting through this, as much as sometimes the money situation seems hopeless and never ending by the way, is making me a stronger person than him.

It's simple really.

Happiness in pictures.

I love this picture. It was taken yesterday before we all went bowling. I actually got two strikes which I was well impressed with. Watching Nick bowl though was far more interesting. This is my new three's trouble picture. Happiness personified. Life is good.

Why are money matters so freaking draining? I NEED a job or for a certain ex to hand over the 3grand he freaking owes me, oh wait then I woke up. The job will happen, I have a good support network. Just need a job, then life would be even more fantastic. This course will get me a job. Positive mental attitude. Yes I can and I will mark my words.

Looking Up.

Yup indeedy things are definitely looking up. Crush = Mutual = start of relationship :-D

3 days before I turn 25.

And there is a lifting of some negative energy and an increase of Positivity. There is a simple reason for this, I just deleted a whole heap of junk from my all of my email addresses and from the pc in general. New memories. New beginnings. Just new. Thought it would be harder to do but it really wasn't. Thought I would have felt more when doing it but I didn't. The time has come where I can no longer hold onto pathetic ideals and in fact just need to proper pick myself up and dust myself. And no better way to do it than to clear out the head and close that door, I have a whole heap of other doors to open and one of which may be opened tonight.

Suitably appropriate lyrics for my mood.

It's My Life lyrics
This ain't a song for the brokenhearted
No silent prayer for the faith departed
And I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice when I shout it out loud

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I'm alive

(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said, "I did it my way"
I just wanna live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life

This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow's getting harder, make no mistake
Luck ain't even lucky, gotta make your own breaks

It's my life
And it's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I'm alive

(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said, "I did it my way"
I just wanna live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life

You better stand tall
When they're calling you out
Don't bend, don't break
Baby, don't back down

It's my life
It's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I'm alive

(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said, "I did it my way"
I just wanna live while I'm alive

(It's my life)
And it's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I'm alive

(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said, "I did it my way"
I just wanna live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life!

And that's really all there is to say about that!

Amethyst

Terrible Thing Envy

Yup indeedy!

I'm pissed off. I hate liars or more to the point just hate being lied to or manipulated more to the point.

And actually that's enough of that! Why freaking worry. I keep getting screwed around and I never learn. Anger is so draining.

Friends!

This was actually a little test post to see if I could attach photos to my blog entries. And lo and behold I can. The above picture from left to right is my "lives two minutes away friend" Chris, Me, my "not blood but close enough friend" Bonny and my "6ft star obsessed" friend Sarah. The only one missing from this picture is the Heidi creature. Of course I love all of the people who have come into my life and left a lasting impression, but this entry is about this picture. These three people are my rocks. No matter what I am going through in life they are there to support me. There isn't much they don't know about me and I love them all dearly for all they have done. It's this photo that is making me feel a little less out on a limb when I get pangs of homesickness. If it wasn't for these three amazing people I would not be where I am today and perhaps I wouldn't have got through the breakup as well as I did. Yes I am still a bit messed up about that, but it's natural to miss the company and comfort that a five year relationship brings, every now and then. I know I am fantastic and it's thanks to my friends, all of them. I may be going through a rough ride at the moment but I know that when I come through this it will be with flying colours. And I know that at the end of this tunnel, despite them being several thousands miles away on the other side of the world, I know that these three wonderful beings and a few others, will be standing there with Congratulation banners and a line of tequila shots. I owe so much to them and I just wanted to let them and the rest of the world know how much they mean to me.

blah

Not that I really care to admit this but I am actually still beyond fucked up about stuff. I guess I will get over it soon enough. Thought I was ok until I saw a picture and felt as though my heart was about to jump out of my mouth and straight back into the blender. I guess that's just the way the story goes.

I am going to buy myself a cheap set of skipping ropes tomorrow or this week and start skipping tone the upper arms and as of next week I am going to walk/cycle my ass down to the local pool and get myself back into a fitness regime, especially if I am unemployed. Don't get me wrong the job search and stress will continue and if I have to I will work in a fast food joint. If it pays a weekly wage then at this point I will accept about anything. It would only be a temp solution, but let's see how other things work out first. In the meantime I can at least get my body into shape. Might well stop the over thinking a bit too so it's gotta be good.


Anyway, I am bored right now, or rather am fidgety.
Amethyst

The eve of 5th April

I FLY OUT TO AUSTRALIA TOMORROW!!! That is all.

4 days and counting

So Friday has came and went and oh my god what a party! I had such an amazing time and I looked fantastic. I was so greatful to everyone who came along and for the fantastic gifts that I was given...oh I need to hand write the letter to my Uncle Johnny.
I'm doing all my goodbyes this week as I fly out on Sunday and it's all very very real. It's the culmination of many years dreaming and a whole lot of hard work and heartache and truth be told I couldn't be more ready to move on to a bigger and better life. A life that I know will work out wonderfully for me. Am feeling very positive recently.
Weird little coincidence...27 years ago my mum was given a St Christopher and a Rubicks cube for her trip to Australia, which I didn't know about and I just got given a st christopher and a Rubicks cube from Sarah for my trip to Australia. A bit freaky if you ask me, but there you go it's clearly fated. I am going to make this work for me, I plan on having the time of my life and as I am slowly beginning to realise I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy or to survive. I am actually surprisingly calm and cool about being on my own now. I don't over think things as much now. Hmm the universe is a strange one and I ain't arguing with it, it's bigger than me :-)

Weeeee!

A quick one.

So this is just a wee quick update.

I booked my one way ticket to Australia last night! I also went out to Classic Grand and had a ball. Photos will no doubt be on Facebook/bebo soon enough. Was actually sober last night which seems to be happening more and more often. Just don't feel the need to drink, after all at this moment in time my life is basically perfect. I have a very wonderful group of friends, I may be working two jobs but I have money coming in, I booked my ticket to Australia, I have a brilliantly wonderful social life, family life is great, I booked my leaving party, I feel good about myself and did I mention that I booked my ticket to Australia!

So really that's about it. I am officially going to Australia and life is wonderful and I'm doing it all for myself.

*Bounce* it's an appropriate reaction.

Vicky ***

Wish You Were Here!

That's an interesting feeling in my chest, no real words to desrcibe it.

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

I'm mentally, physically and spiritually numb and even then I don't think numb is the right word. I feel like i am going insane and that the men in the white coats will be here any minute now, might do me good. Lock myself away for a while in a padded room with lots of colourful drugs. Is music not supposed to do something for your mood? I'm barely even hearing it. I'm this great big ticking time bomb of emotions and I'm going to explode soon, I'm sure of it. I've never felt anything like this in my life and it's a bit curious. I'm like the longest, twistiest rollercoaster there is. I'm up, I'm down, I plateu, I do a loop de loop, then a bit of a jerk. I rattle your bones and give you thrills you've never known.I know all of this, but how well do i know myself, what am I trying to prove? If anything. I can't even think what my mood would look like if it were an emoticon. This is frustrating, not knowing what I really feel for anything or anyone. I know that whatever it is it isn't easy...


I think, no i know, that I should go to bed to sleep a restless sleep or to stare at blank walls. What do I feel right now?


Vicky

2009!!

My new year party was amazing, I've not had that much fun in a long time. In fact I brought 2009 in with a cheer, a stupid grin and multiple orgasms :D How can it get any better? Oh yeah I know how, on the 31-01-09 I am booking my one way ticket to Australia. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
I rock, my friends rock even harder and life is freaking fantastic.