Do you think I will ever get over him? I'm starting to think no. I just wish I knew the truth about stuff, I hate being left wondering, it's maddening.
On a side note, I need to check my money to see if I can actually afford to get to work tomorrow, seeing as there is no buses running.
Just keep thinking of the end result of everything, the four jobs, the broken heart, the exhaustion it's all for Australia. Looks like I am going to have to fly Qantas/British Airways which takes 33 hours and stops in London...Oh fun! Emirates appears to be completely booked up for the month of April. That's the thing though I am so set in going in April that I will actually suffer the 33 hour travelling and that's not including the length of time it will no doubt take to get from Brisbane Airport to Maryborough. It will be so worth it.
At the start of January I am going to order boxes and start clearing out my room, sorting my life into little piles of take/bin, sell and charity/store to be shipped later. It's a curious feeling actually.
Wednesday, 24 December 2008
Monday, 22 December 2008
Depression
So apparently I'm not very good at hiding my depression or at least I don't think I am. There is only so many times I can say "I'm Fine!" "I'm fantastic and can handle anything" when really all I want to do is hide under my duvet and let the world pass me by for a while. Truth be told I feel like total shit. Yeah I have a social life with great friends, I have money coming into the bank...a result of four jobs but nonetheless, I have a roof over my head, I am moving to Australia and a pack of other blessings on my side, but I care not for any of it.
I am actually terrified of this move to Australia. I know it will do me good to get out there on my own, live this fantastic new life but there are parts of this old life that I am really rather attached to. It's scarier the fact that I am going completely 100% on my own, yeah I might have family over there but I won't be depending on them, this is me going out into the world. I know I can handle it, I lived in Edinburgh on my own but the first flat was with people that I knew and the second flat I didn't speak to the flatmates. Reality I guess is finally hitting home. Me and Graham are over and I am going to Australia by myself, leaving my family and best friends behind. I joke and laugh saying that they can all come over and visit me, but I think in all honesty I'll never see anyone again, it's too damn expensive to get over to Australia, they can't exactly just jump a bus or a taxi to come see me.
Incidentally I hate my boss, all of them. In fact I'm not mad keen on any of my jobs, but that's life eh? I hate the fact that I am still awake and have a sore back, in fact I hate life at the moment.
I am actually terrified of this move to Australia. I know it will do me good to get out there on my own, live this fantastic new life but there are parts of this old life that I am really rather attached to. It's scarier the fact that I am going completely 100% on my own, yeah I might have family over there but I won't be depending on them, this is me going out into the world. I know I can handle it, I lived in Edinburgh on my own but the first flat was with people that I knew and the second flat I didn't speak to the flatmates. Reality I guess is finally hitting home. Me and Graham are over and I am going to Australia by myself, leaving my family and best friends behind. I joke and laugh saying that they can all come over and visit me, but I think in all honesty I'll never see anyone again, it's too damn expensive to get over to Australia, they can't exactly just jump a bus or a taxi to come see me.
Incidentally I hate my boss, all of them. In fact I'm not mad keen on any of my jobs, but that's life eh? I hate the fact that I am still awake and have a sore back, in fact I hate life at the moment.
Tuesday, 2 December 2008
Young, Free and Single!
Seriously people who the hell came up with that phrase? I'll bet it was some heart broken chick trying to convince the world that she didn't need anyone and that she was fabulous by herself and could do whatever she wanted when she wanted after the love of her life ripped out her heart, broke it into bits, put it in a blender and hit frappe! Or is that just me?
Maybe I am just feeling worse because in a week not only would I have been getting married had things worked, but it would also have been our five year anniversary. Just like that, the blink of an eye and 5 years of a relationship and 8 years of a friendship is over, with no real reason, which is the killer by the way.
I'm starting to believe that all the "I don't knows" "I'm so lost" "I'll still be your friend" "I'll never leave you high and dry" "I hope this isn't another mistake" were all just lines cos he couldn't bring himself to tell me the truth, that he just didn't love me any more and was just putting up with me to save face. Maybe I'm 100% wrong and I'm sure if he sees this he will think I am being spiteful or paranoid, but I honestly don't think I am. Not any more, it's just what I am feeling right at this moment in time. Although maybe a sick part of him will read this, see that I am miserable and secretly like it, who the hell knows *shrugs*. Maybe it's my fault, maybe I shouldn't leave the lines so open actually make him miss me. Yeah cos that's going to happen.
On the plus side. I've set myself a date for going to Australia and I should fingers crossed, if all the money stuff works out, be buying my one way ticket at the end of January. The sooner I get on that plane the better. And I am already planning my leaving do for the end of March. Yeah so I am going to be working myself to the ground over the next 17weeks or so but it will be so worth it when I get on that plane, headed for a new life in the sun. I'll get over there with a brand new attitude and who knows maybe one day I will get over him. Or at least it will stop hurting as much. Regardless of what happens in the future, I know that he will always hold a place in my heart and that even right now I would still walk the earth for him. Yeah I ended up skint from helping him survive, stopping the courts chasing him but I would do it all over again and then some. It was never about money, and lavish meal or gifts. It was all about him and how I felt/feel for him. It's just a pity that I dislike London and British weather, well Britain in general, so much. I have itchy feet and unfortunately for me they are taking me to the other side of the world. London just wouldn't have done it for me. I know it's working for him and all I want is for him to be happy. I guess that's how you kow it's love, is when all you want is their happiness. When you can't even be mad at them and when your heart aches so much that you can't breath, but despite that personal dark cloud you still want them to have the perfect life, with or without you even if that means they never speak to you again.
*cries* I guess there isn't much more I can do other than pick myself up, dust myself off and hold my head high while I plan my life. I'm fine, I'm always fine. I'm fabulous and he's not. He can have London and British weather, I'll be in Australia.
I don't know who I am trying to convince, but I'm fine.
Maybe I am just feeling worse because in a week not only would I have been getting married had things worked, but it would also have been our five year anniversary. Just like that, the blink of an eye and 5 years of a relationship and 8 years of a friendship is over, with no real reason, which is the killer by the way.
I'm starting to believe that all the "I don't knows" "I'm so lost" "I'll still be your friend" "I'll never leave you high and dry" "I hope this isn't another mistake" were all just lines cos he couldn't bring himself to tell me the truth, that he just didn't love me any more and was just putting up with me to save face. Maybe I'm 100% wrong and I'm sure if he sees this he will think I am being spiteful or paranoid, but I honestly don't think I am. Not any more, it's just what I am feeling right at this moment in time. Although maybe a sick part of him will read this, see that I am miserable and secretly like it, who the hell knows *shrugs*. Maybe it's my fault, maybe I shouldn't leave the lines so open actually make him miss me. Yeah cos that's going to happen.
On the plus side. I've set myself a date for going to Australia and I should fingers crossed, if all the money stuff works out, be buying my one way ticket at the end of January. The sooner I get on that plane the better. And I am already planning my leaving do for the end of March. Yeah so I am going to be working myself to the ground over the next 17weeks or so but it will be so worth it when I get on that plane, headed for a new life in the sun. I'll get over there with a brand new attitude and who knows maybe one day I will get over him. Or at least it will stop hurting as much. Regardless of what happens in the future, I know that he will always hold a place in my heart and that even right now I would still walk the earth for him. Yeah I ended up skint from helping him survive, stopping the courts chasing him but I would do it all over again and then some. It was never about money, and lavish meal or gifts. It was all about him and how I felt/feel for him. It's just a pity that I dislike London and British weather, well Britain in general, so much. I have itchy feet and unfortunately for me they are taking me to the other side of the world. London just wouldn't have done it for me. I know it's working for him and all I want is for him to be happy. I guess that's how you kow it's love, is when all you want is their happiness. When you can't even be mad at them and when your heart aches so much that you can't breath, but despite that personal dark cloud you still want them to have the perfect life, with or without you even if that means they never speak to you again.
*cries* I guess there isn't much more I can do other than pick myself up, dust myself off and hold my head high while I plan my life. I'm fine, I'm always fine. I'm fabulous and he's not. He can have London and British weather, I'll be in Australia.
I don't know who I am trying to convince, but I'm fine.
Sunday, 26 October 2008
Monday, 15 September 2008
Why do I feel like a prize fool? I really hate it when people just rip the piss out of me. I feel manipulated and stupid and I really should learn that I can't trust anyone except myself. At the end of the day everyone out there is doing something to someone else for their own gain and I am so fucking sick of being the tail end of it.
Saturday, 13 September 2008
Prawns
Yup I am sitting here eating a prawn stir fry. I'm not even that hungry and this is only the second thing I have had to eat all day. I am actually so bored and clearly I lead a very exciting life. It's Saturday and so far today I have edited my profile on Facebook, by that I mean added photos, and deleted a handful of texts off my phone. The next part of my plan is to type up a little more of Luvine Lust and perhaps even do my CV or read Queen of the Damned. Yes as you can see I do in fact lead the most dreadfully thrilling life. Oh tell a lie I did do one slightly exciting/productive thing, I applied to be an Avon rep for a bit of extra cash.
It's been a rough couple of months apart from my trip to Amsterdam. I came back from my trip and started to feel like me again, although today I just feel shit. The only reason I even got out of bed today was because my back was starting to get sore and I was hungry. Bonny is away in Turkey, Graham is on WoW raiding and I am sitting by myself on a Saturday night, I did the same thing last night too. It's actually so depressing, every Monday I go into work and get asked how my weekend was and I am so loathe to say that it was so mind numbingly boring that I would have rather have been at work at least that way I would have people to talk to. Instead I always just say "yeah it was ok, didn't really get up to much." Translates to the same thing, I have no life.
Hmm actually my stir fry wasn't that nice. My music is driving me nuts too, I need a bit of excitement. Truth be told I need to feel like I am the most important thing in Graham's life again. Kinda feeling like even though I know he loves kinda feel like he is jus tbiding his time until we get to Australia. I think it's mostly just that I can't see him as much as I would like for two major reasons A) he can't get a lift and B) he now spends all his time in London cos he is working and moving there. The worst thing is I know he loves it there and have this gut wrenching feeling that he won't want to leave his new job and will get too comfortable with the two guys he is moving in with. I can say all I want that I will be fine going to Australia myself and I don't doubt that if it came down to it I would be eventually but I am totally paranoid just now. If I had the money then I would suggest to Graham that we go now, but I want to be able to have a bit of cash behind us before we go and right now I am struggling to pay all my bills and survive day to day nevermind doing anything fun.
Ugh I actually just feel like crying. Think I will go type more of this story and then attempt to forget these feelings in a hot bath.
Amethyst ***
It's been a rough couple of months apart from my trip to Amsterdam. I came back from my trip and started to feel like me again, although today I just feel shit. The only reason I even got out of bed today was because my back was starting to get sore and I was hungry. Bonny is away in Turkey, Graham is on WoW raiding and I am sitting by myself on a Saturday night, I did the same thing last night too. It's actually so depressing, every Monday I go into work and get asked how my weekend was and I am so loathe to say that it was so mind numbingly boring that I would have rather have been at work at least that way I would have people to talk to. Instead I always just say "yeah it was ok, didn't really get up to much." Translates to the same thing, I have no life.
Hmm actually my stir fry wasn't that nice. My music is driving me nuts too, I need a bit of excitement. Truth be told I need to feel like I am the most important thing in Graham's life again. Kinda feeling like even though I know he loves kinda feel like he is jus tbiding his time until we get to Australia. I think it's mostly just that I can't see him as much as I would like for two major reasons A) he can't get a lift and B) he now spends all his time in London cos he is working and moving there. The worst thing is I know he loves it there and have this gut wrenching feeling that he won't want to leave his new job and will get too comfortable with the two guys he is moving in with. I can say all I want that I will be fine going to Australia myself and I don't doubt that if it came down to it I would be eventually but I am totally paranoid just now. If I had the money then I would suggest to Graham that we go now, but I want to be able to have a bit of cash behind us before we go and right now I am struggling to pay all my bills and survive day to day nevermind doing anything fun.
Ugh I actually just feel like crying. Think I will go type more of this story and then attempt to forget these feelings in a hot bath.
Amethyst ***
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