"I have magic beans!"

Yup that's right I have magic beans.
A pack of blessings.
Life is good. I'm thinking this is a good start to my new attitude and to the new year. 2009 is going to rock and 2008 will simply fade away into the memory banks where it belongs, left to gather dust. Many a lesson learned.

Do you think...?

Do you think I will ever get over him? I'm starting to think no. I just wish I knew the truth about stuff, I hate being left wondering, it's maddening.

On a side note, I need to check my money to see if I can actually afford to get to work tomorrow, seeing as there is no buses running.

Just keep thinking of the end result of everything, the four jobs, the broken heart, the exhaustion it's all for Australia. Looks like I am going to have to fly Qantas/British Airways which takes 33 hours and stops in London...Oh fun! Emirates appears to be completely booked up for the month of April. That's the thing though I am so set in going in April that I will actually suffer the 33 hour travelling and that's not including the length of time it will no doubt take to get from Brisbane Airport to Maryborough. It will be so worth it.
At the start of January I am going to order boxes and start clearing out my room, sorting my life into little piles of take/bin, sell and charity/store to be shipped later. It's a curious feeling actually.

Depression

So apparently I'm not very good at hiding my depression or at least I don't think I am. There is only so many times I can say "I'm Fine!" "I'm fantastic and can handle anything" when really all I want to do is hide under my duvet and let the world pass me by for a while. Truth be told I feel like total shit. Yeah I have a social life with great friends, I have money coming into the bank...a result of four jobs but nonetheless, I have a roof over my head, I am moving to Australia and a pack of other blessings on my side, but I care not for any of it.

I am actually terrified of this move to Australia. I know it will do me good to get out there on my own, live this fantastic new life but there are parts of this old life that I am really rather attached to. It's scarier the fact that I am going completely 100% on my own, yeah I might have family over there but I won't be depending on them, this is me going out into the world. I know I can handle it, I lived in Edinburgh on my own but the first flat was with people that I knew and the second flat I didn't speak to the flatmates. Reality I guess is finally hitting home. Me and Graham are over and I am going to Australia by myself, leaving my family and best friends behind. I joke and laugh saying that they can all come over and visit me, but I think in all honesty I'll never see anyone again, it's too damn expensive to get over to Australia, they can't exactly just jump a bus or a taxi to come see me.

Incidentally I hate my boss, all of them. In fact I'm not mad keen on any of my jobs, but that's life eh? I hate the fact that I am still awake and have a sore back, in fact I hate life at the moment.

Young, Free and Single!

Seriously people who the hell came up with that phrase? I'll bet it was some heart broken chick trying to convince the world that she didn't need anyone and that she was fabulous by herself and could do whatever she wanted when she wanted after the love of her life ripped out her heart, broke it into bits, put it in a blender and hit frappe! Or is that just me?

Maybe I am just feeling worse because in a week not only would I have been getting married had things worked, but it would also have been our five year anniversary. Just like that, the blink of an eye and 5 years of a relationship and 8 years of a friendship is over, with no real reason, which is the killer by the way.

I'm starting to believe that all the "I don't knows" "I'm so lost" "I'll still be your friend" "I'll never leave you high and dry" "I hope this isn't another mistake" were all just lines cos he couldn't bring himself to tell me the truth, that he just didn't love me any more and was just putting up with me to save face. Maybe I'm 100% wrong and I'm sure if he sees this he will think I am being spiteful or paranoid, but I honestly don't think I am. Not any more, it's just what I am feeling right at this moment in time. Although maybe a sick part of him will read this, see that I am miserable and secretly like it, who the hell knows *shrugs*. Maybe it's my fault, maybe I shouldn't leave the lines so open actually make him miss me. Yeah cos that's going to happen.

On the plus side. I've set myself a date for going to Australia and I should fingers crossed, if all the money stuff works out, be buying my one way ticket at the end of January. The sooner I get on that plane the better. And I am already planning my leaving do for the end of March. Yeah so I am going to be working myself to the ground over the next 17weeks or so but it will be so worth it when I get on that plane, headed for a new life in the sun. I'll get over there with a brand new attitude and who knows maybe one day I will get over him. Or at least it will stop hurting as much. Regardless of what happens in the future, I know that he will always hold a place in my heart and that even right now I would still walk the earth for him. Yeah I ended up skint from helping him survive, stopping the courts chasing him but I would do it all over again and then some. It was never about money, and lavish meal or gifts. It was all about him and how I felt/feel for him. It's just a pity that I dislike London and British weather, well Britain in general, so much. I have itchy feet and unfortunately for me they are taking me to the other side of the world. London just wouldn't have done it for me. I know it's working for him and all I want is for him to be happy. I guess that's how you kow it's love, is when all you want is their happiness. When you can't even be mad at them and when your heart aches so much that you can't breath, but despite that personal dark cloud you still want them to have the perfect life, with or without you even if that means they never speak to you again.

*cries* I guess there isn't much more I can do other than pick myself up, dust myself off and hold my head high while I plan my life. I'm fine, I'm always fine. I'm fabulous and he's not. He can have London and British weather, I'll be in Australia.
I don't know who I am trying to convince, but I'm fine.

It might be fucked, I'm kinda hoping that it isn't and that we can pull through this. We have been through some pretty tough times, surely we can come through, I really hope so. I really don't want to lose him. Let's try and remain positive shall we :(

...

I think this time I really fucked up.

Why do I feel like a prize fool? I really hate it when people just rip the piss out of me. I feel manipulated and stupid and I really should learn that I can't trust anyone except myself. At the end of the day everyone out there is doing something to someone else for their own gain and I am so fucking sick of being the tail end of it.

Prawns

Yup I am sitting here eating a prawn stir fry. I'm not even that hungry and this is only the second thing I have had to eat all day. I am actually so bored and clearly I lead a very exciting life. It's Saturday and so far today I have edited my profile on Facebook, by that I mean added photos, and deleted a handful of texts off my phone. The next part of my plan is to type up a little more of Luvine Lust and perhaps even do my CV or read Queen of the Damned. Yes as you can see I do in fact lead the most dreadfully thrilling life. Oh tell a lie I did do one slightly exciting/productive thing, I applied to be an Avon rep for a bit of extra cash.

It's been a rough couple of months apart from my trip to Amsterdam. I came back from my trip and started to feel like me again, although today I just feel shit. The only reason I even got out of bed today was because my back was starting to get sore and I was hungry. Bonny is away in Turkey, Graham is on WoW raiding and I am sitting by myself on a Saturday night, I did the same thing last night too. It's actually so depressing, every Monday I go into work and get asked how my weekend was and I am so loathe to say that it was so mind numbingly boring that I would have rather have been at work at least that way I would have people to talk to. Instead I always just say "yeah it was ok, didn't really get up to much." Translates to the same thing, I have no life.

Hmm actually my stir fry wasn't that nice. My music is driving me nuts too, I need a bit of excitement. Truth be told I need to feel like I am the most important thing in Graham's life again. Kinda feeling like even though I know he loves kinda feel like he is jus tbiding his time until we get to Australia. I think it's mostly just that I can't see him as much as I would like for two major reasons A) he can't get a lift and B) he now spends all his time in London cos he is working and moving there. The worst thing is I know he loves it there and have this gut wrenching feeling that he won't want to leave his new job and will get too comfortable with the two guys he is moving in with. I can say all I want that I will be fine going to Australia myself and I don't doubt that if it came down to it I would be eventually but I am totally paranoid just now. If I had the money then I would suggest to Graham that we go now, but I want to be able to have a bit of cash behind us before we go and right now I am struggling to pay all my bills and survive day to day nevermind doing anything fun.

Ugh I actually just feel like crying. Think I will go type more of this story and then attempt to forget these feelings in a hot bath.

Amethyst ***

Drama, Drama Drama!

Well not really, I just felt like it would be an amusing title...amusing to who, oh yeah myself :)

So money sucks etc but hey who is worried.

I got a new phone and apparently when I take a photo I can send it straight to here so as to create a sorta of photo blog that I can update on the move, how cool is that really.

Wedding plans, well I ain't even going to talk about them as I am sick of hearing the W word.

Work as ever is a load of rubbish but it pays the bills, I'm scraping by but it's ok I'll pull through I always do.

So I know this isn't much of an update bur ho hum its what I felt like writing.

Perhaps more later

Amethyst **

Gig last night

So yeah myself, Graham, Doug and Carolina (?) all went to see Sonata Arctica last night and it was fucking awesome. They don't half put on one hell of a shoe. The singer is a complete mental case and has complete control of the crowd at several points. Support band was Pagan's Mind, they were quite interesting and I do mean interesting in a good way for a change. I got my ticket signed by the singer.

There is a major issue though in being that I am a short arse. Everyone was towering over me. I basically had to stand on my tip toes the whole night which was a laugh. Although on saying that I am a short arse with a temper. I was unfortunate enough to be stuck at the edge of pit which is never ever fun. I have a rather sore chest from where some idiot elbowed me twice in as many minutes. I'm just of the belief that pits are the most pointless thing. I mean someone please explain to me why it is fun or productive to throw yourself into another person and in the process fall all over yourself into the other patrons of the gig. It's clearly a test of who is the most macho or butch...grr look at me I'm huge and an asshole, that makes me worthy of your time. How about no you toss pot. Maybe I'm just getting old or whatever, but I just think a pit is a complete waste of time. You end up basically missing the band cos you are so busy knocking lumps out of each other and then make others angry. I say those of us who actually like to watch the band without fear of major injury start a petition to get separate sections in venues for those folk who do want to pit and then that way they are only hurting each other. Maybe it's the animal instinct to impress a potential mate by showing masculinity, either way I hate pits and more to the point I hate most of the idiots that participate in them, usually cos they appear to have absolutely no brain.

Perhaps I offended some folks with that wee rant, but like I care. No one is forcing you to read this and after all it's a blog where I can spout my personal opinion to my hearts content and everyone is entitled to an opinion. This just happens to be what my opinion is today.

I actually feel all empowered, not by the above rant, just in general. I am probably the happiest and most content that I have been for a long time. It feels good.

Whoosh! So I'm not sure if I have anything else to really say. I was all girly looking today, brought out my purple and black goth skirt today. Teamed it up with a black vest top and I looked hot as fuck. Skirt is a pain in the ass though, it's so long and floaty that it makes sitting in a chair with wheels a bit of a hassle, but it was so worth it.

Anyway, I am going to sign off for just now, may write more later, we shall see.

Amethyst **

So here I am.

One step closer to the wedding day, another few things marked off the check list and me getting suitably excited because I have taken some time to reflect and chill. My problem last time was that I had just been totally swamped with ideas, suggestions, colours, styles etc etc that it just got the better of me. I read my little book of calm and just followed it's advice...Forget about all things wedding related for one day and take a break in between each stage of planning and you shall enjoy it more! It's so true actually, I took a few days where the wedding was not my all consuming thought and I actually feel so much more excited about having sorted another two parts of it.

Graham and I booked the photographer and the cars today. The photographer is brilliant and is giving us a fantastic deal. The car guy is one of the nicest guys I've met and the cars are a lovely burgundy colour. I absolutely adore the bridal car, it's a burgundy Beauford, it's so old fashioned and I love it. The other two cars are jags, whoop!

My dress is sorted, I just need to phone them tomorrow about payments etc and I have spotted the most perfect pair of shoes. I would have bought these things anyway, but they are the most perfect shoes for the wedding. Quite a high heel but they were dead comfy when I tried them on and I'll prepare for any pain by putting party feet in them on the day. Perhaps also have my tiara sorted and I won't be paying through the nose for it either.

I have a wee day planned with Bonny on 1st May to put a deposit on her dress. Just need to get everything else like underwear etc sorted, but that comes later.

Various things have been going on, I told a few people to get themselves stuffed basically as they were being selfish arseholes but hey not to worry I actually feel better about myself for it. It was about time I stood up for myself and stopped letting people walk all over me.

Bonny's birthday was on Friday just there and it was a great night out. Started in Beer Hall had a good laugh in there, scared Kat at Catwalk and met Lambie while in there too so shall need to arrange a night with him at some point soon, then headed to Buffalo Joes! Not really my scene or Graham's scene but we stayed as long as we could, I would have stayed out longer but Graham looked miserable so we headed home. Ran into Ally B, Bob and Lathum in Catwalk actually. Ally looks really happy recently especially since he got himself a wee bachelors pad with Urkit and his business with Bob is really starting to take off.

I realise that I am just rambling, but I am wide awake and can't think of anything else to do to be honest. What else can I think of to talk about?? Apparently I am getting roped into watching Britain's Next Top Model now that ANTM is finished. It's on at the same time on the same channel and on the same night, so what else am I meant to do on a Monday when Bonny comes up. I'll give it a shot at least.

Actually no, I have run out of things to type and I am aware that I am just prattering on so I shall spare you any more torture and sign off.

Amethyst ***

Oh Yeah...

....and to top it all off the bus driver was an asshole today, driving to fast and generally being a dick. I got home and complained about him just cos I was in that mood. Follows is what I sent to Stagecoach, much to the amusement of my mother.

On travelling back to Cumbernauld on the x20 service from Glasgow at 4.30pm on Sunday 30 March, I felt that the driver didn't have the least bit of concern about the safety of his passengers.

He was in far too much of a hurry, doing at least 70mph on the motorway, I was under the impression that buses and coaches were not allowed to go any faster than 55mph. At one point on the motorway another motorist signalled to the driver to slow down to which your employee responded to by giving said motorist "the finger". An entirely inappropriate attitude to have when dealing with the public.

Furthermore, for the entrie journey your driver had one of his friends/collegues/whatever standing talking to him, which is surely bad practise as it is a distraction.

The driver continued to speed and by the time we arrived in Carbrain, he quite obviously could not be bothered dealing with any more customers. I say this as there was a gentleman standing at the bus stop, who signalled for the bus to stop twice and who was blatantly ignored. Again this is totally unacceptable.

My mother and I were the last passengers to get off the coach. While we waited with baited breath to get to our destination your employee felt that it would be appropriate behaviour to draw us both filthy looks in his rear view mirror. I think not.

As an additional point, your employee, although I would be ashamed to call him that, was doing at least 45mph in a residential area. What would have happened had there been a child on the road?

I feel that the attitude of your driver was appalling never mind dangerous.

I shall hope that I do not encounter this sort of behaviour from any other Stagecoach employees or I may be forced to take my custom elsewhere.

I'm all weddinged out!

It's not even been a month that I have been engaged and I am so bored of hearing about, reading about, thinking about weddings. I am actually the worst bride to be ever and I am going to cause anyone involved in selling/making dresses so many problems cos I am being very fussy.

I did a trial run of bridal stores today with my mum, tried on three dress. Liked the skirt on one but hated the colour, white, and the bustier part as it had too many jewels on it. Then the style of dress that I liked the colour was too "not me" and the third dress I hated the skirt part of it but loved the colour. Then on top of that I was like "if i get this dress I want this bit changed"etc you get the picture.

Full day in Glasgow with my mum and Bonny on Friday, which shall be a good day am not making the mistake of wearing heels like I did today. Means aswell I will have someone who will be brutally honest with me when I'm trying stuff on. Possibility of bridesmaids now being in black....seriously people don't get married, bloody trailing all over fucking Glasgow in the pissing rain to try on dresses or to get an idea of what I want bridesmaids to wear *groan*.

And of course whatever colour of dress I pick, will be the theme colour of the wedding, meaning that I have to change the invites, the flowers and whatever else. Surely this is not a normal attitude for a "Bride-to-Be" to have, I should be all uber excited and jumping up and down, screaming with my girlies "OH MY GOD I'M GETTING MARRIED!" and getting drunk on cheap champagne....shouldn't I?

Will someone with some sense left in their heads please help me out here, give me a shake, whatever? I am trying to enjoy the girlyness of the whole thing but it is actually just pissing me off and in a strange way depressing me. I set out to have a small but memorable affair and already I'm starting to feel the snowball affect, it just feels as though it is all getting on top of me, maybe I just need to go drown in a bath for a while with a glass of wine.

I'm bored and I keep wasting time on wedding websites even though I'm not really looking at them. HELP ME!!! The girlyness is killing me. I need a night out in a pub with beer in my worst looking jeans and top followed up by chips and cheese or a kebab. I can feel myself becoming an obsessed woman, even with the guys now, including Gus my cheeky filthy crush in work, I am talking about wedding stuff and no doubt boring them all to freaking tears...or maybe I am just boring myself.

Told you...worst bride to be ever!

Women are bastards...

...and I should know I am one.

Nobody reads this....

...But hey that isn't going to stop me. I even tried to advertise it on my bebo, apparently nobody loves me *shrug* :-)

So it's been over a month since I last updated, how naughty of me. What has been happening in the last month or so...

I've been religiously watching America's Next Top Model and it's so good, I really want to see the other seasons, I feel like I have missed out...ok so I am sad but whatever!

One major thing that happened is that I am now engaged! I proposed on Sunday 2nd March, not quite the 29th of February but he couldn't get the day off so I improvised. He actually said no to wind me up then changed his mind and said that he may as well after all I'm his ticket into Australia. Lol it was probably on par with my dad's "What you doing for the rest of your life?" proposal to my mum for the most unromantic proposal ever, but then I'm not complaining as that is very Graham and I. Hell his ring was late and mine hasn't been ordered yet, I have a temporary one for the time being. It's all very comical.

We are planning December for the actual wedding, hopefully the 2nd or the 9th. We both like the idea of the 9th as that will be our five year anniversary and means we don't need to change the date. Less than 9 months to plan a wedding...I'm sure it can be done. We were originally going to do something tiny then come back from Australia in five years or so, but we both realised that it was unlikely to happen as life can get in the way. We will be too busy being Aussies and living our lives. So we are going to make the best out of what we have just now, still going to be a very small affair with family and a few close friends, nothing huge. Partly cos we don't like things to be fussy and partly because budget won't allow it, we are after all Emigrating. What about a honeymoon? Nah unlikely unless we have a wee mad weekend down to Alton Towers or something, again going back to that whole thing of immigration :-) Tis all good.

I have itchy feet and am in need of an adventure and what better way to cure itchy feet than to bugger off to Australia and drink beer. We are aiming for June 2009 so fingers crossed there. I know I am going to become the girl people once knew who moved away and who they won't know what happened to but I don't care I'll be living in Australia.

Hmm must stop just now before I drift off to fantasy again.

Love and stuff
Amethyst ***

(Oh how I wish I could change my name to really be Amethyst)

ANTM

Let the bitching, the cat fights, the photo shoots, the tears and the excitement begin!!

Yes I am a sad being, America's Next Top Model Cycle 9 just started tonight and I plan on watching every episode. Damn you Bonny and Sarah.

Two words...

....I'm Done!

Get me on that plane...now!

Interesting...

...Indeed. Bit of an interesting predicament playing around in my fuzzy little brain, well actually there is a few things but not all can be detailed here, in fact none of it will I just felt the urge to type. How do we get into these messes, ah well life is sent to try us.

Funny old world...the brain I mean. How you can be sitting minding your own business and then an idea pops into your head. Sometimes we ignore the idea as a passing thing and other times we run with it just to see where it will lead. My mum has become all philosophical as of late because she has obviously come through one of the worst things you can, but it's interesting, it's making me think more too. The two of sat and watched TV all night tonight, it was good, I never really do that with her, never really have, but she was all like "You know what, Vicky? Don't do what other people expect of you, you have to do what you know is right for you regardless of outcome." Very unlike my mother! Then while we were watching some food programme she comes away with "If I want to eat a fatty, greasy slice of pizza then I will you only get one life. I'd rather be a bit overweight and healthy than have to go through the hassle of all that thin stuff." Interesting character my mum, it was just kinda odd seeing as my mind is telling me to fuck weight watchers up the arse and if I want to lose weigh then do it my own way. I dunno use the £18 a month to go swimming instead, even once a week would be better than doing sweet FA all week. The only time I am really active is on a Wednesday as I am running around after children all day, ok admittedly on a Wednesday night I totally pig out with Bonny, but if I could stick to that just once a week plus the once a week swim and the stuff on a Wednesday then surely it would have some effect. Whatever my mum made some good points tonight.

On a side note here are some lyrics that I like, my two fave songs at the moment actually.

2. Bye Bye Beautiful- Nightwish

Finally the hills are without eyes
They are tired of painting a dead man’s face
red with their own blood

They used to love having so much to lose
Blink your eyes just once and see everything in ruins

[Chorus:]
Did you ever hear what I told you?
Did you ever read what I wrote you?
Did you ever listen to what we played?
Did you ever let in what the world said?
Did we get this far just to feel your hate?
Did we play to become only pawns in the game?
How blind can you be, don’t you see?
You chose the long road, but we’ll be waiting

Bye bye, beautiful

Jacob`s ghost for the girl in white
Blindfold for the blind
Dead Siblings walking the dying Earth

Noose around a choking heart
Eternity torn apart
Slow toll now the funeral bells

"I need to die to feel alive"

[Chorus]

Bye bye, beautiful

It’s not the tree that forsakes the flower
But the flower that forsakes the tree
Someday I`ll learn to love these scars
Still fresh from the red-hot blade of your words

How blind can you be, don’t you see?
That the gambler lost all he does not have...

[Chorus]

Bye bye, beautiful

And of course...

Time (Mason, Waters, Wright, Gilmour) 7:06 - Pink Floyd

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older,
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.

Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I'd something more to say.


Breathe (reprise) 7:06(you barely even notice the song change)

Home, home again.
I like to be here when I can.
When I come home cold and tired
It's good to warm my bones beside the fire.
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells.


So yeah that's that, just thought I would share.

Amethyst ***

I'm so very very fed up. Mentally I am already in Australia. I'm sick of being here. It's only the first full day back at work and I just feel drained. I hate coming home after work and not caring what I eat for dinner or what I do with my evening, most nights I just want to curl up into a ball and not be here!

I am quite horny right now and yes that was a random thought but hey my mind has been running over various things all day and sex is one of those things, as ever to be honest.

My hair is total crap just now, I really need to get it cut this month, no two ways about it.

Marriage! The most expensive day of your life...now there's a slogan.

I have no idea what's going on my head I am just typing for the sake of typing.


Back to Weight watchers tomorrow, hopefully the damage ain't too bad from the three weeks off over the festive period. So glad to be back to normallity at last...yes yes bah humbug!

ok bored again.

Amethyst